Does punishing my child work?
It’s a question I hear all the time, in session, in social media groups – from friends!! “Does punishing my child work?”
And the answer for parents is actually in the difference between punishment – and consequence!
I work with parents, and professionals, who are struggling with child behaviour, and we always get into the topic of behaviour management. 🙇🏻♀️🙇🏻♀️
Most parents tell me that they don’t have a ‘plan’ for how they are going to manage incidents. They have no idea what consequence, or punishment, they will use. They just deal with it as it comes. ❌❌❌
Unfortunately, dealing with it without a plan means three things – (hint, none of them are effective).
1 – They react emotionally, because they are trying to come up with a last minute plan and haven’t dealt with their own feelings. ❌
2 -Their child senses the change is vibe, and begins focusing on the parent frustration and NOT learning what they did wrong ❌
3 – They apply only a punishment. Usually loss of something (freedom, cherished items etc) ❌
Guess how many of these are effective? 😵
If you are dealing with poor behaviour – knowing what you will do before hand is the easiest way of keeping yourself in control AND helping your child to learn how to do better!
So consider this:
❓Does consequence always mean punishment?
❓Does learning only happen through punitive action?
❓What do you ACTUALLY want to achieve in that moment?
My guess is that you just realised there might be a different way. And there is!
Consequence is a 3 part process:
✅ 1 – Learning. Why should they not do that? What should they have done instead?
✅ 2 – Restore. Fix the problem caused. That might mean an apology, a task, giving up some time they cost you etc etc
✅ 3 – Move on. Once done there should be an opportunity to move forward and do better.
👏🏻Consequence can mean as little as a chat, and a much as a month learning about something. 👏🏻
😧😧Punishment is something quite different, and used improperly is about power and control. 😡😡
It has its uses when used properly, and with total relevance to the action of the child. But used alone is is nothing more than creating fear – and we all overcome fear at some point. 😖😖
What’s your view??
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Did you know that you can download the Planning for Parenting workbook totally for free? Create your plan for managing difficult behaviour with this guide. Click HERE for your free download.